Denying Rainbows

Lately there’s been a lot of crap. I’ve not been in the best of moods for a wee while, tired all of the time and had a pretty poor time at GA because of this.Then I got ill – I exaggerate a lot, but at one point I was pretty sure death was imminent. Imagine the nasty stuff (aye, that!), not being able to eat, sweating it one minute then freezing it the next, not being able to breathe through your nose, not producing enough saliva to lubricate your gub, sleeping for 20-25 mins at a time, feeling like Alien is about to burst out of your abdomen, no one being able to understand a word you say because your glands & tonsils are that swollen, nearly fainting every time you’re on your feet for longer than a minute, not being able to walk further than from bed to the bathroom and permanently feeling guilty for letting everyone down.

Then, after almost 2 weeks existing with the symptoms above, my blood test finally revealed that I have glandular fever.
Champing at the bit to get back to work after 3 weeks, I was (and am still) pretty limited. Thankfully though, being back to the place God’s sending me and working with the people He has gifted me has been the best medicine.

It’s knackering, and I’m nowhere near being able to do what I could before.. but maybe the ‘before’ me was my downfall. 
I don’t do being sick very well. I hate it. It’s probably the only time that I hate having to sit on my bahookie! 
Virtually all of my plans have had to be binned, and taking life a few days at a time. Today is Thursday, and I’m not really planning past Saturday.

I’ve got some weird blood thing as a complication and hoping to not develop any further complications – so the slow lane is currently my friend, even though I’m champing for the fast lane. 
It’s coming. 
And then the rainbow? After the rain, there’s got to be something beautiful to counteract that.

My something beautiful came through the opportunity to reflect. To look at me, the way I live my life and what makes me happy. 
And with reflections come realisations. Some are easy, some aren’t so easy.

It’s pretty crappy when you’ve felt for so long that you have to be a particular kind of person to suit social norms… and sometimes that just isn’t good enough anymore.

Sometimes you just need to own your differences in order to realise your similarities.

But should we naturally see ourselves as different? Should we feel pressured to hide parts of ourselves to fit in? Should we be so far skewed by this that we shut off parts of our lives?
The answer is no. And I, stupidly but subconsciously, was doing this. Dafty. 
Once you know truth, you can’t un-know it. Once you love, you can’t un-love. When it’s her, it’ll always be her.
Bluebirds are flying. The rain is gone. I’ve found the rainbow. 

“Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly

Birds fly over the rainbow

Why then, oh why can’t I?

If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow

Why, oh why can’t I?”

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